At the Bottom of Everything
by WishUponAnIdiot
Summary: A series of small ficlets. Various in length, theme. Destiel. At the bottom of everything, there's still hope for us.
1. Lover I Don't Have to Love

Title: Lover I Don't Have to Love

Pairing: Destiel, slight Wincest

Warnings:Drug Use, 2014!verse

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><p>Castiel let the needle drop, cracking as it hit the wooden floor next to his bed, as his eyes rolled back in his head, the noise melted into the distant background. This was what made every moment of pain worth it, make the fall something forgotten. This moment of high and almost angelic used to do it on occasion, just enough to remember what it feels like.<p>

Now he never lets it leave him.

He knew that as a human, eventually this kind of life between drugs and liquor would most certainly kill him. Not quickly, but painfully slow, as it dragged the last years of life out of him, like the steady drop of sand in an hourglass.

He couldn't bring himself to care anymore. He d just take another pill to remove the pain, until his heart beat that last bit more.

If he even managed to live that long. What with supply runs filled with croatoan traps and demons trying to hunt them down. None of it mattered anymore. The whole world was dead, and the ones that tried to tell themselves otherwise were just corpses, the lights had just been left on, on their way out.

Him especially.

He opened his lips as he lay back on his bed, his head hitting the useless and lumpy pillow that already yielded itself on the firm mattress. He wanted to declare to heaven, to the now empty sky, that he d given up, that he wanted to go back home now. But the words never escaped his lips. It d be like telling a druggie, that heroin was bad for you. They no longer really gave a shit, only left him to chase after that precious high.

He sighed to himself, wondering where the woman was that should be distracting him right now. He remembered her entering the cabin with him, and even the blunt they d shared, but he couldn t remember-

Oh.

Dean had scared her off into preparing, telling Cas that he d need to be sober, or at least close, for the mission they were going on. Just a simple supply run that he wasn t even really needed on. He d gone two months without going out, how could Dean not manage without him. He was all but useless anyway, even when all that he d taken that day was a ciggarrette and a beer.

Now was worse. Heroin and whiskey weren t exactly great ways to prepare for a mission. Or maybe it was?

He was hapless and hopeless, and he really wished he d never fallen. It was like cancer he supposed. You know you re going to die, you feel sick and tired, and like life doesn t even matter anymore. But you just live through it, try to break past the evil sickness. Too cowardly to just end it.

Maybe that s why Dean brought him on these missions. Why he handed Cas the gun so many years ago and taught him how to shoot. Why Dean had been the one to hand over the drugs.

Maybe Dean wanted him to kill himself, two afraid to do it himself, to end his fallen angels suffering.

Not that Dean really cared anyway.

All Dean cared for was Sammy. But Sam was dead now, or being mind raped by an angel so evil, god swallowed his pride and cast him aside. So Dean continued in trying to kill Lucifer. It wasn t about saving Sammy anymore; no, it was about ending him. Ending the suffering. That was all Dean cared about doing anymore.

Dead inside except for that final piece.

Cas laughed bitterly at a memory of himself and Dean lying here together. Dean had climaxed with his brother s name on his lips, and Cas had laughed at him right then at that moment.

Dean stopped coming to his cabin after that.

No one would ever replace Dean s little brother. The best anyone could offer to Dean was a warm body to press into. Maybe it was easier for Dean to forget Sam when his hands were gripping soft breasts instead of a hard chest.

Now all they could hope for was that Dean and Lucifer killed each other. For him and Sammy to go to heaven together. Or Hell.

And wasn t that a comforting thought.


	2. Everyday

Title: Everyday Castiel and the Stars

Pairing: Destiel

Warnings: Domseticity

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><p>Cas stared at the sky, counting each formation, remembering each star.<p>

As an angel he d been too bright, the world had been too busy to appreciate the night sky. He smiled softly as he looked, feeling his body grow tired.

Over the past months, he d escaped the clutches of heaven, and they d managed to win the fight from the leviathans. They even managed to help Bobby recover from his head wound. Now all they faced were the regular salt and burns, and the occasional demon battle.

The stars stared back at him, and Cas squinted, as if to see clearer, something that had already escaped his grasp.

Dean opened the back door to Bobby s new place, glancing at the yard to see Cas laying on the hood of the impala. Normally Dean would tell him to get off for fear of damaging the car, but considering he wasn't even allowed to drive it anymore, the point seem mute. He made his way across the yard, and he settled himself to lean against the side of the car, only a foot away from Cas. He followed the former angels view toward the sky and smiled softly.

You re out here almost every night there, Cas. Something special about the sky that I can t see? Dean asked, glancing back to Cas to see that the former angel now man had closed his eyes, his breathing deep and steady.

Dean reached out to touch Cas shoulder, trying to gently wake him. When the former angel grunted in his sleep, but kept his eyes closed, Dean figured he d try before he went back in to the house.

He turned his attention back to the sky. Out here, they were pretty far away from any major cities, and with all the lights to Bobby s house out, the stars were so easy to see. Even with only a crescent moon, the sky seemed to have a bright glow. He grinned, allowing a memory of himself sitting on the impala with Sam sitting and staring at the sky to embrace him, and he remembered back to when the world was so much simpler.

It seemed that the stars held a lot of memories, not just for Cas, but himself as well. Funny, how something so simple, something that happens every day, everywhere on the earth, could hold such a large spot to his mind. How powerful and beautiful the stars truly were.

I think I get it, why you come out here, I mean. Dean stated, knowing full well Cas was asleep and probably didn't hear a word he said. Maybe that made it easier to admit. You were an angel, you could fly anywhere you wanted, your grace was like the stars, free and bright. Dean frowned slightly, catching a glance back to Castiel before continuing. I m sorry we dragged you down with us. I d give anything if it meant you could back up there, up into the night sky. Maybe you shouldn't have rebelled. You d still be painting this view, instead of falling asleep to memories that keep slipping your grasp.

Dean smiled, before turning back to Castiel, and lifted him so he could carry the former angel inside to his bed. No use sleeping on a car.

Dean would never know, but Cas hadn't been asleep while Dean spoke. If Cas woke up the next morning with a sad smile on his lips and tear marks on his cheeks, no one said anything.

Cas still spent every night outside looking at the sky, but now Dean joined him. He talked about him and Sam, and his father bringing him and Sam out to an open field between hunts, and even a meteor shower he saw with his mom before Sam was born. Cas would occasionally tell his fare share of stories too, but for the most part he was content in staring at the sky and realizing just how lucky he was to see two of the most beautiful of his father s creations. Stars. And Dean Winchester.


	3. Telescope

Title: Telescope Castiel and the Stars (A Continuation from Everyday)

Pairing: Destiel

Warnings: Domesticity

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><p>Dean glanced down the hallway, curious as to where his strange little boyfriend had gone. He walked down, trying to listen, until he came by a door with soft humming coming from inside. He walked in to find Cas setting up a telescope in the mostly empty room. A couple of boxes littered the corner, and there was a chair facing the window.<p>

Luckily, Cas had finally stopped falling asleep outside, the winters beginning to take hold of Souix Falls. Dean and Cas had managed to buy an apartment nearby to Bobby s, if only to make sure not to disturb anyone with their late nights of fornicating as Cas put it, but even with the new house, every night Castiel still yearned for night skies. An obsession yes, but Dean smiled, knowing that at least it was better then drugs or alcohol.

He walked all the way in the room, stopping his fallen angel from what he was doing to wrap a hand around the slim waist. Want some help? Dean asked, but Castiel merely shook his head before leaning up for a small kiss as he wrapped his arms around Dean. He smiled around Cas lips, understanding the mans persistence in the matter. This was something the man would need to do on his own.

So why d you pick this room to set it up? I figured you d go for the bedroom since you have the tendency to fall asleep. Dean continued, teasing only slightly, since every time Cas fell asleep, Dean was the one to carry him, and Dean didn t mind at all. He loved the look of content the man wore as he stared endlessly into a world he used to belong to.

This one has the best view, Cas stated, letting his eyes trail out the window despite that the sun was still up and he wasn t about to see any stars. His grip on Dean tightened as he stared outside, letting his head rest on Dean s shoulder. It s a good night for it, the clouds will not be blocking the view of the telescope. He finished, before kissing Dean once more on the lips and then slipping from the man s grip to continue working on setting it up.

A meticulous process that required the reading of manuals more than once, even with his high intelligence and memory. Dean smiled down at him, wondering if maybe there was more than one reason Cas had denied his efforts of help; he d probably do more damage then good.

Dean smiled at him once more before walking down the hallway until reaching the kitchen. He opened the fridge and grabbed a few ingredients out for sandwiches and some bread from the drawer next to the stove.

He couldn t help Cas with his stars, but the least he could do was make him a sandwich.


	4. I'll Follow You

Title: Follow You

Pairing: Destiel

Warning: Hurt/Comfort

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><p>Dean! Would you sit still already? Castiel barked at the elder Winchester, who was currently trying to sit up from his spot on the shitty motel bed. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but during his and Cas last hunt, he d managed to get a rather deep gash down his left side that Cas was in the middle of stitching up.<p>

Dean frowned at the Angel, or well, almost angel? He wasn't exactly sure anymore. After saving the world, for what was, the third or forth time at least, the angel s had gone and left, situating themselves into repairing Raphael s damage of Heaven. When they did, Cas power had started to slowly drain away the longer he stayed from Heaven. Which is why Dean wasn't being healed right now. Cas at this point could heal himself, with enough concentration, and could even still zap himself places, but his grace had diminished quite a bit from it s full capabilities. Instead he d been forced to learn first aid, and was now using those skills to patch up the man lying next to him.

Cas sighed as Dean shifted again, wincing as Cas pierced his skin with the needle and thread once more. He hurried with his task, though he kept glancing up to Dean s face, to watch for reactions from the needle, trying to make sure as to not hurt the hunter too much. He tied the final knot before cutting the thread and getting up from his seat on the bed.

As he stood, Dean decided it d be a good idea to try and get up as well, until Cas turned back and pushed down on the hunter s chest until he laid back down. Damn-it Cas, I m fine, let me up.

You are not fine! Cas bit back, turning his eyes away, but keeping his hand on Dean s chest. Dean stilled instantly, not used to Cas yelling at him. Barking orders, yes, talking in a way that suggested he could smite you, quite often. Yelling, not so much. You almost died okay, and that gash is deep, meaning you need rest. Now.

Alright, fine Cas, but I really don t see why it s a big deal.

Cas turned his gaze back to Dean, his eyes blazing with anger, That s my point Dean! You spent years of your life practically sacrificing yourself at every corner, trying to save the world, save anyone, why not save yourself! I m tired of seeing you die.

Dean stared back, couldn't even bring himself to blink, watching every emotion play out on his face. Cas sighed once more before sitting down next to Dean. The hand previously laying flat on his chest was now cradling his jaw, and Dean smiled not leaning into it, but definitely not forcing it away.

I don t want to lose you, when I went through so much effort just to keep you. Cas stated, smiling back before leaning down and laying a soft kiss to Dean s lips.

Dean kissed back, though he made sure it didn't get heated. His side was rather injured, no need to aggravate it.

You make me sound like a pet, Dean replied, as he grabbed a pillow to lean against so he could sit up. Cas realized what he was attempting and helped him into a sitting position against the bed frame. If anything it s you, always following me like a god damn puppy. Dean continued, though his voice was far from annoyed.

Of course, I d follow you anywhere Dean Winchester.


	5. Bright Eyes

Title: Bright Eyes

Pairing: 2014!verse Destiel

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Alcohol use

Written as a prompt from tumblr

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><p>Dean laughed as he raised the bottle once more to his lips. This was from his first drink of the night, and he knew that at this rate he'd wake up tomorrow with more then just a bad headache. He laughed again as he realized he no longer cared at this point.<p>

He'd finally found Sam, after years of not speaking, and then finding out that the stupid fucker said yes. It was all kinda funny really. Maybe if all those years, he'd actually listened to his father, it wouldn't be the end of the world. The one time he refuses his father's order, it ends the whole world. He breaks into hysterics, as if this is the greatest joke in the whole world.

To him it is. No one on camp knows about Sam's answer, well except Castiel. But the sick fuck was probably shooting up and sleeping with three blonds right now.

What Dean didn't know is Cas had forgone his orgies, and was currently sitting on Dean's front steps. The sound of laughter chilled him to the bone, and his whole body shook, worse than any high he'd ever experienced. A part of him wanted to go in, to comfort Dean.

But there was nothing that could be done, to help the man already dead.

He heard the sound of the bottle hitting the floor, luckily without shattering. The laughter had died down, and Cas stood up abruptly, panic spreading through at the fact that no noise came from inside the cabin. He rushed in, expecting the worse; only to sigh at what he saw. He walked over to Dean, the man sobbing silently into his hands. Castiel dropped down in front of him, resting his hand softly on Dean's knee. No words were spoken as Dean continued in his sobs, Cas watching patiently with understanding. Finding out your brother is being mind raped by the devil isn't exactly the easy thing to deal with.

Dean's breathing evened out as the sobs quieted, and he looked up to see Cas there. They sat there for several minutes,just looking into each others eyes. Behind the puffiness of his tears, they were still that lovely green color that Cas had fallen in love with. But ever since the world had started to end a few years back, they'd never been more hollow. Cas' brilliant blue had faded as the grace inside of him disappeared, and now were a dull gray. Cas almost started crying at just the thought, of how empty the two of them were. Once so full of power, and now there was nothing left but a couple moving corpses.

The words that escaped Dean's lips next scared Castiel more than anything he'd ever heard.

"Fuck me, Cas."

Cas stared at him, this time with confusion instead of worry before replying, "No."

Dean sighed, dropping his head, but raising his hands towards Cas. "Why the fuck not? You've fucked pretty much everyone in this camp." Dean bit back, a small grin forming on his lips, that was the most disturbing thing Cas had ever seen.

"You're not in the right mind, Dean. You're drunk, and grieving."

"Fuck you, Cas. I know exactly what I am, just fuck me your stupid bastard angel. C'mon, just please. Don't make me beg."

Cas sighed, knowing that Dean wasn't going to drop the matter. Normally Dean would sleep with Risa, or one of the other few he claimed to have something special with. But the only one Dean had ever had anything special with, was Cas. The two never slept with each other, couldn't bring themselves to break what they had. Instead they hid it in crude jokes, and any vice that they saw fit.

"Alright,"Cas finally grit out, not wanting to do this, but at least it would keep Dean from doing anything else stupid. "But I'm taking everything slow."

"I want it rough." Dean stated, his eyes filled with a little bit of anger.

Cas didn't reply, just let himself move into Dean's space, bringing his lips to Dean. He kissed his chin first, then his jaw, his nose, before Dean put his hands on each side of Cas' head, forcing their lips together. Cas reached out, grabbing Dean's wrists, and forced the hands to let go, to drop lower. He stood up, bringing Dean with him, let them collapse on the bed a few feet away.

Castiel did as he promised; took everything slowly, made every moment, and movement about comforting Dean. Dean almost laughed at the irony of it. Two so full of power and rage, taking something like _fucking_, slow and careful.

When they finished, and Cas was sure Dean was asleep, he kissed Dean's temple before climbing out of the bed and making his way back to his own cabin. He knew Dean would be full of regret and anger when he woke, something he didn't feel like seeing.

When Dean did wake, there was no emotion in his eyes. There wasn't even a tinge of loathing or regret that Cas thought would be there. There wasn't anything left. Dean had lost everything he ever cared about, leaving behind an empty shell.

That was the day, Dean had gone from hunter, to their '_fearless leader'. _

That was the day Dean truly died.

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><p><strong>A.N. <strong>Just in case anyone noticed or was curious, I get a lot of writing inspiration from the band Bright Eyes (where I got the title for this, and Lover I Don't Have to Love) so you should check them out.

The actual songs that inspired me for this was Sunrise, Sunset and Lua by Bright Eyes.


	6. Flying

Title: Flying

Pairing: Destiel

Warning: Fluff, based loosely on Titanic.

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><p>"Dean, come over here for a second." Cas suggested, letting his feet step onto the rail. The wind peaked in the air, the breeze a cool comfort to his body.<p>

"Uh, Cas?" Dean asked, not really having a thing for heights, especially with the wind to knock them over the edge of the extremely high precipice.

"Do you trust me?" Cas asked, extended his hand toward Dean, as he grabbed for the top of the rail with his other hand. Dean didn't reply, just inched forward only slightly, fear spreading over his features. "Do you trust me, Dean?" Cas asked again, reaching his hand closer to Dean.

"Yes." Dean replied, grabbing hold of the hand.

"Close your eyes." Dean did as he was told, before being tugged over towards the edge. Castiel grabbed on leg, lifting it to rest on the rail, then the other, Dean holding onto Cas for dear life.

"Can I open my eyes yet."

"No." Cas replied, and Dean swore he could hear the man grinning at him. He was pressed forward slightly, as Cas moved to stand directly behind him. Chest to back, Cas let one hand hold onto the bar above him, the other around Dean's waist. "Wait for it." Cas said, as he attempted to get Dean to let go of the bar. The breeze picked up, and Cas leaned in close to Dean's ear before whispering a quick, "Now."

Dean opened his eyes, the wind blowing his jacket around him, his arms spread slightly out finally letting go. The view before him was one of the most amazing things he'd seen in his life, one of those timeless views off of a cliff, or mountain.

"This, Dean, is what flying feels like." Cas whispered, before resting his head gently on Dean's shoulders. "I would fly anywhere, and everywhere in the world, this is one of my favorites." Dean couldn't keep his eyes in one place, looking everywhere, following the flight of birds, the river that broke the landscape almost right down the middle. He had no words, nothing could compare to this. The wind died down, but the feeling never escaped him.

"I watched this world created, Dean. I watched everything. I saw the river slowly form after months of rain, saw the rocks break off this cliff, and wash away to create somewhere new." Cas continued, his lips brushing ever so lightly against Dean's ear. Not in the erotic way, no, but in a way of sensual comfort. The lightest of touches, but so full of love, his voice deep, and slow. "The horrors we faced, may seem endless, but look before you. This world, would not exist without you. I could never be more grateful, Dean. For you and Sam."

Dean turned his head, looking back into Cas' eyes. He could read every expression on the fallen angel's face. Admiration, devotion, amazement, and even a little bit of pride.

"I watched your creation, Dean. Not of your body, as great as it is," Cas stated, wiggling his hips a little against the man's backside as if to prove so. "But of your soul. The stars of the night sky could not compare, not even the sun, to how bright and beautiful it is, even after all these years where the world was unkind to you. Trust me, Dean, I know first hand the beauty of the stars that hang above your head at night, your beauty can not be compared." Cas finished with a grin on his lips, the hand around his waist tightening, before leaning in to a kiss.

"You are such a woman sometimes, Cas." Dean replied, between kisses, his lips brushing against Cas' lightly as he said it. A tease, yes, but one with no real malice if the man's grin was anything to go by.

Dean turned lightly around, looking back towards the landscape before them, no longer afraid of the height, or even the idea of flying across this earth.

"Hey Castiel?" Cas quirked at the use of his full name, looking to the back of Dean's head.

"Yes, Dean?"

"I love you." Dean finally let the three words that he'd never spoken to anyone but family, to escape his lips. But even that wasn't true. Cas was family now, had been for a while.

"I love you too, Dean Winchester."


	7. Red Stockings

Title: Red Stockings

Pairing: Destiel

Warning: Slightly Pornographic, domesticity

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><p>"What the hell are these?"<p>

Cas walked out of their shared bedroom; clad in nothing but messy hair and a pair of soft blue boxers, long red stockings held up in anger and confusion. Dean looked over to the other man, before smirking and walking over to him.

"They were supposed to be a gift." Dean replied, grabbing the red stockings from Cas' hands.

Cas looked up at him confused, obvious curiosity in his eyes, but some of the annoyance still remained. "For whom?" Cas asked, wondering why a 'gift' would be hidden away in Dean's sock drawer. Dean didn't respond and instead leaned down a kiss to Castiel's lips, letting the hand not holding the stockings to wrap around Cas' neck before tangling in his hair.

They continued kissing, until Cas felt Dean trail the stocking down his arm, before grazing lower until Dean was letting his hand stretch open the boxers. He pulled apart from the kiss, breathless as he stared at Dean. But instead of stopping his movements, he brought the silk fabric to rub against his groin and _Oh-_

Dean chuckled lightly at the man's response, continuing his motions of sliding red silk against skin, loving every little gasp and moan the other was making. He let his lips fall to Castiel's neck, biting lightly on his pulse point to elicit another moan.

Dean kept his pace, not slow enough to be considering teasing, but not fast enough to make this over too soon. He brought the hand previously in Cas' hair down to his waist, knowing Cas had a habit of going weak in the knee's while being brought this kind of pleasure, and they were kinda standing in the middle of the room.

Dean could tell Cas was getting close, his quickened breath, the wobbliness of his knees, his eyes practically rolling to the back of his head. But Dean being Dean, he decided to play with Cas a little, which is why at that exact moment, he brought his hand out Cas' boxers, red stockings with it and lightly smacked Cas' ass. "C'mon, go get dressed for work or you'll be late." Dean stated, winking at Cas before walking into their bedroom heading for a shower.

Dean was such a fucking _tease. _


	8. White Blank Page

Title: White Blank Page

Pairing: Destiel slight Lisa/Dean

Warnings: Spoilers for 6x01, Based off the song White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons

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><p><em>Her white blank page <em>  
><em> and a swelling rage, rage<em>  
><em> You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink<em>  
><em> You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections<em>

Castiel spent many years as an angel of the lord, and to this day he still owns that title. He is a watcher, was made to watch the earth as it grew and fought and he was told to never interfere; never to help the humans that grace this beautiful planet.

So once the world was no longer on the precipice of being lost; it wasn't too difficult to imagine, that he'd go back to watching, back to looking over the planet instead of interacting with it.

That brings us to now, four months after the world had been saved and Dean had made his way to the warm and accepting home of Lisa. Dean was just inside, making a couple of burgers for Lisa and himself on their day off from work. Dean was saying something, he couldn't catch what from outside, but Lisa beside him was laughing.

There was such a sense of affection in her smile, of love in her eyes that Castiel had learned so well. He knew that gaze, he'd seen it staring back at him in the mirror, trying to understand the human emotions that he had acquired. Now he could tell with just one look, Lisa was so very in love with the 'Righteous Man'.

Castiel clenched his fist, showing a few more of those pesky human emotions. He believed these ones were jealousy and rage. Cas had tried to show Dean how he felt, and the human had bit back in his face with anger and jokes. Dean's problems always came first, and he wondered how the would take the news to his brother being alive, just hidden away from him. He smirked at himself, at how Dean would react. Probably with a knife and holy water.

Cas left the street, zipping away to nowhere in particular, anything to escape this view. Away from the man who decided that his affections were nothing than trying to be true to his faith and god's will. If only Dean knew just how much he denied his own creation, to help the eldest hunter with his journey's.

Dean was a fool, in every sense of the word. But Castiel could do nothing to stop his foolish love, with his foolish human, on a world that would never truly know his existence.

_Running, screaming, the strong scent of blood hanging low in the air; masked by the smell of burning flesh. Knife's buried deep in his skin, his own throat unable to make a sound. His eyes refused to open, and he kept running, curious as to how his body was moving against the pain. _

_Until he opened his eyes, not a thing was there, the smell disappearing to the back of this throat. The only thing before him, an open field. Trees around the area, and a parking lot over to the far left. He was seated at a bench so familiar, if only he could place where this was. He looked around, mapping the area, only to see the bench next to him wasn't all that empty. _

"_Cas?" _

"_Hello, Dean." Cas responded, refusing to look over to the hunter. His head hung low, and his gaze looked straight forward, but not really seeing anything in front of him. A feeling of deja vu washed over him at the sight. _

_Dean looked around, before he remembered exactly where he was, the jungle gym and children the only thing missing from this view. _

"I am not a hammer, Dean. I have doubts."

"_Did you do this?" Dean asked as he looked back to the angel. Castiel nodded, finally bringing his gaze to look at the hunter. _

"_You asked me to, your subconscious. I tried to stay away, but eventually it became too loud to ignore." Cas finally stated, looking back over to the empty field. "Every night you call out for me, Dean." _

"_Then why the hell didn't you come sooner?" Dean questioned, anger bubbling up to the surface. He shouldn't be all that angry, what with the way they had last spoke to each other. But he couldn't stop the warmth spreading through his blood, rage surfacing quickly like it used to. It had been months of nightmares, and the dick was only coming now? _

_Castiel looked over, a glare shooting daggers straight through him as if reading the elder Winchester's thoughts. Which wasn't too farfetched an idea considering the angel was currently within his own mind. "Do you remember one of our last conversations before that battle?" Cas grit out, anger seeping through every pore, it was a wonder that Cas hadn't tried to kick his ass yet. Dean nodded, remembering how Castiel had tried to say he was in love with him. "Do you not think it would be painful to see you everyday with a woman who doesn't understand you?" Cas asked, though Dean knew it was rhetorical. _

"_You don't even know what love is!" Dean spit back, the anger escaping in his words._

_Cas looked over at him, a small grin gracing his lips. He'd grown so tired of dealing with these human emotions, but at least some of the more vile phrases expressed his thoughts."Fuck you, Dean." _

_And just like that, Castiel, Angel of the Lord was gone. _

After that night, the nightmares didn't come back. Castiel doesn't appear before him, but he can feel his presence, even in his own head as he watches the scenery before, sits back as the memories play out before him.

After a week of landscapes, Dean dreams of Sam, of cooking him dinner one night when they were too far out to walk to a diner. Sam is sitting there smiling at him, watching as Dean chops onions and potatoes, and tries to get up and help a few times. Dean forces him to sit down as he cooks, enjoying the look on Sam's face once he sets the bowl of beef stew in front of him. It wasn't the best food they'd had, but Dean had found the recipe in the back of their father's journal, knowing it was their mothers.

When Dean wakes up the next day, a smile is plastered to his face, a single tear rolling down his eyes. Lisa doesn't ask about it, has learned not to question this sort of thing, but it still lingers in her mind.

The dreams change after that slightly, all of them are memories, as if his life is flashing by his eyes in slow motion. Some of them are recent times with Bobby and Sam taking a day off and watching a few movies, others are older from when it was Sam and Dean stuck in the motel room waiting for their dad. A few of them are even older than those, Dean waiting for his breakfast as their father attempts to feed Sam oatmeal; missing his mouth every time and getting it all over his face.

He imagines that if he had kept going through his heaven, these are some of the moments that would be there. Dean wakes up every morning well rested, and a small smile on his lips. It's difficult to remember the good moments of his life, when the world is constantly needing his help.

Castiel refuses to appear before him, no matter how many times Dean yells for him, refusing to humor the hunter. Dean wonders why, he only wants the angel there, so he can thank him for what he's doing. Even if he's still iffy about the angel interfering with his own mind, it's the best he's felt in years.

Lisa notices it too, the way Dean smiles more and treats Lisa and Ben more like his family and less like a guest in their home. Dean finally started sleeping in Lisa's room, leaving the guest room. They pair hadn't had sex yet, Dean too unwilling to risk breaking what they have, but every night Dean wraps an arm around her and falls asleep with her hair brushing his chin.

Dean knows this happiness will never last, but it's been six months now since Sam's death, and he just wants to enjoy the moment as much as he can.

When Dean wakes up to see Sam sitting on a bed across from him, he knows that his life, those moments were gone.

Dean realizes right then and there, what Castiel had done for him. Castiel had given him some of the best moments of his life, eight happy and tireless months.

The bastard really was in love with him, wasn't he?


End file.
